“We can make our plans, but the Lord will order our steps”
(Proverbs 16:9 NLT)
My mother and I had a different type of a relationship, yes we argued and fought but we always knew we would find common ground. She was more than a mother, a role model. She definitely played a positive advocate in my life. When she said something she knew I wouldn’t like I can still hear her say “I’m your Momma get use to it”! As the years went by we became closer and even though I was afraid to admit it I am my mother’s child. I would say and do things that she did and catch myself giving looks she would.
One day she called me and she had a different tone in her voice that I have never heard before. I asked “what was wrong”? And she said “nothing, I just called to say I love you.” I was overwhelmed with emotions when I heard those words slipped out of her mouth and I couldn’t understand why. It’s not like that was the first time I’ve heard her say it but this time those 3 little words filled my soul up with such a warm a feeling. We said our goodbyes and I didn’t know that was going to be the last time that we were going to share anything else together. The next day I received a phone call at work from my dad and he said “your mom is not breathing”. I was stunned at the news! I stood there with no words because what he said did not make any sense. What do you mean? How could this be? What the hell is going on? Those were the questions that were in my head at the time.
After a long couple of days sleeping in the hospital, waiting for a miracle to happen the doctor came in and said the craziest thing. “Your mom has a strong heart beat however when she had a heart attack and stop breathing, she went to long without oxygen to the brain”. “We need to take her off the ventilator there is NOTHING ELSE WE CAN DO”.
My heart broke in many pieces; it felt like someone had ripped the very soul out of my body and there was no more life.” I can’t live without her!!!” is what I whispered…
That was almost 3 years ago and yes I still have my days when I yearn to hear the voice of my very best friend but It’s funny to say but that very same hurt and emptiness is what pulls me through each day. Her encouraging words of “I can do whatever I put my mind to, keep the faith God will pull you through” is what keeps me going.
I must say this was one of the hardest Dances of My Life…
In loving memory of Janet Marcia Morris Smith…..